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It’s suddenly brighter in here

So it seems that turning 29 flicked a switch in me or something. You know this little passage from my birthday post:

15-16: We move from Upper Sackville to Lower Sackville. I start high school and have to take the bus with a bunch of kids I don’t know. The year only goes downhill from here. My friends all disown me, but I never find out why (I assume it had something t do with the Disney bitch.). I spend a lot of the year crying. I eat lunch in the bathroom stalls. I skip classes. I go home due to headaches a lot. I start to shake when the school bus pulls into school each morning. My grades are not good.

The year starts to take a positive turn in last couple months of school. I realize just how badly I was treated and that people actually noticed when the boyfriend of a new (well, we were friends a couple years earlier, but grew apart) friend tells me, “You don’t have to walk behind us, come up here beside us.” That still makes me cry.

Yes, that little spirit lifter. Well, do you know how many people I have ever told about that experience in my life? Zero. Besides very briefly summarizing that year to Andy a couple years ago I have never talked about it to anyone. The reason is because up until a few months ago it still made me cry. A lot. Have you ever heard the song “Better Days” by Pete Murray? If not you should click the link and have a listen. Anyway, that song could have been written for me about that time (minus the praying, but still) and I could not hear it without being completely reduced to tears and thinking back to that awful point in my life. Now, though? Well, I’m listening to it right this minute and no tears! And I can actually talk about it, not just write. After reading that post my mother, of course, wondered what the hell happened and I told her all about it and later that day I also told Andy a more detailed version. I’m kind of glad that I was able to get it out there, too. I mean, I know it was a long time ago, but it had a huge impact on me, who I was and who I am now. And look! Now I can’t shut up about the whole thing!

I also ended up confessing (if you will) some of my underage drinking stories to my mother. Which, isn’t such a big thing for me, but I was just never able to come out and admit that I did actually drink during high school. To be completely honest, I thought I had her completely in the dark about it all, but as you know from her comments on the last post I did not. I still managed to give her a little shock, though and when all was said and done she decided she needed a drink to sit back and get her head around it all. Ha!

So, yeah. Who knew 29 would unlock all this stuff for me. It’s refreshing!

I want my blog to be more personal like the last post, but I find it really hard to do. I think the key for me letting all of you really get to know me is by telling stories from my past that shaped me. It’s not like I’ll go down memory lane all the time now, but I don’t think I can put the current life struggles out there. I can only share the things that have a beginning, middle and end that I feel like I can tell you about. Obviously I’m talking about the topics that lean to the more negative side of life – it’s easy to share the happy going ons, isn’t it?

Some people are probably wondering why it even matters to me to share the darker things in life (hello, non bloggers!) and I can’t say exactly. Something in me wants the people who read each post to really know me – other than that I don’t have any explanation.


3 Responses

  1. A Biography of sorts? I think the world would be a much happier place if folks truly understood where we have all come from and the circumstances that have made up who we are. I think you will inspier lots of people.

  2. I ate a lot of lunches in the bathroom with my nose always buried in a book. High school was hell for me.

  3. I’d love to hear more, you’ve always been one of my favorite bloggers! Happy birthday!

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